Here is a list of “biggest regrets” many people have: being less assertive, breaking up, carelessly choosing one's life partner, choosing work over family, comparing oneselfwith others, dreaming more than acting on things, engrossing in anger, giving high importance to possessions, lacking self-confidence, lingering around the wrong people, losing sleep over other people’s thoughts about oneself, making poor life decisions, lacking the courage to express feelings, neglecting oneself, preferring tomorrow over today, taking life too seriously, thinking others are better, trying to be perfect, wasting time over little things, working too hard, worrying too much, etc.
The biggest regretsof many others are over notundertaking the following actions: becoming an Olympian, being a better parent, coming out earlier, following one'spassion, having clear-cut goals, learning that language, listening, living honestly, making amends, being present with one'sdad/mom at his or her end, pursuing one'sdream, revealing love to someone, standing up to bullies, staying true to one'svalues and principles, taking risks, trusting one's owninner voice enough, undertaking certain actions, watching one'shealth, etc.
Lord Krishna points out in the ancient Bhagavad-Gita: "Pleasures conceived in the world of the senses have a beginning and an end and give birth to misery. The wise do not look for happiness in them. But those who overcome the impulses of lust and anger which arise in the body are made whole and live in joy."
We asked our panel: What is your biggest regret?
Not learning the language!
Matthew T. Fisher, resident priest, Reno Buddhist Center
I regret not taking full advantage of life's great opportunities in my 20s. Traveling the world after college, I had opportunities to study and meet with significant teachers of the time. In Sri Lanka my studies were “average” at best and included idle touring and the occasional beach! I truly regret not taking that moment more seriously and studying diligently in Buddhist institutions. This regret includes not going deeper into the ancient languages of Buddhism, barely studying Pali for sixmonths;more study would have served for a lifetime. In Japanese language too, more study early on would have given fluency for life.
My time living and studying in Japan was a series of wonderful opportunities to meet important personages and teachers — where, sadly,I only barely recognized the rare chances life presented. Instead, I dabbled and didn't go deep enough to speak at length with these precious people.
Not acquiring truth earlier
Micheal L. Peterson, northwest Nevada media specialist, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
This question is no doubt pondered by most of us throughout our lives, and the older we get, the more likely it becomes to accumulate regrets. We can and must learn from our past mistakes as well as our successes. Regrets are often looked at as a negative part of our life; however,successes — not regrets — should be motivating factors to improve in areas of our life that need improvement.
Most of my regrets are from omissions rather than commissions. The most significant being not coming to a complete understanding of the most important knowledge one can obtain, at an earlier age than I did. Namely, where do we come from, why are we here, and where are we going. Although my life may have been richer earlier, this has not diminished my optimism for life. My regret, has become my greatest blessing with the acquisition of these truths.
Going back
Anthony Shafton, author and atheist thinker
1966. Many of you oldsters remember the ambience of revolution then, and not just political. A general transvaluation of values was in the air, an exhilarating rediscovery of the here and now. “Don’t trust anyone over 30" (I made it under the wire at 28). In those heady days I effectively redid my unhappy inner child for the better. Riding high, I left my wife of two years who didn’t change with me, left loathed Los Angeles for Oregon. There, these changes brought profound “spiritual” experiences, but the whole process of change left my identity so unmoored that joy oscillated with utter terror. In panic, I went back to my wife and LA. It didn’t work, and going back, retreating from peak experience, became my biggest regret.
But eventually I realized that deflation then was a stage in the development of wisdom, and thus my biggest regret became an essential life lesson.
Live with few regrets
Karen A. Foster, minister, Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Northern Nevada
I am a person who believes strongly in living in an intentional and thoughtful way so as to have no regrets. This is not to say I do not make mistakes—of course I do—but mistakes are part of the adventure and learning of life. They need not necessarily lead to regret.
That said, I do regret that I have over the decades of my life, consciously or subconsciously, bought into the culturally ingrained pathological belief that women find their self-worth and identity by “pouring themselves out” completely for others. That being utterly selfless is somehow noble and a high achievement. This is especially complicated and convoluted for women ministers.
I am learning that if I do not take care of myself, I have very little to offer others. When I honor myself and make my own needs a priority, I am a better minister, spouseand mother.
Why erase the stepping stones?
ElizaBeth Webb Beyer, Jewish rabbi
To me, regret means wishing something never happened. Many regret lost opportunities or failures. Interestingly, even G-d “regrets” (Genesis 6:5-7).
In reflecting on my life, some choices have been really bad. Consequences were painful to myself, to others or both. Certainly, we hope to never cause pain to another person and to avoid it ourselves. For those bad choices, my goal is to do my best to make amends.
To regret is to want to erase the past. Everything that occurred in my life was divinely designed. My mistakes resulted in learning opportunities. They were stepping stones to today. To erase the bad choices, would change me. So, for me, there’s no regret,no wish to “do over.”
To the best of my knowledge, my slate is clear … but if anyone reading this was injured by me, please make yourself known to me. Reach out —let’s talk, let me make amends.
… what might have been
Stephen R. Karcher, presiding priest, Saint Anthony Greek Orthodox Church
I lament that I’ve not pursued the study of music to the extent I would have liked. I’ve had some opportunities that I’ve missed, despite my intentions. After all, there are tremendous benefits to developing musicality. One study shows how music improves cognitive and noncognitive skills more than twice as much as sports, theateror dance. But we all know that music is about much more than personal improvement.
“Music is a universal language central to every culture of the world,” Gigi Baba Shadid says. She also indicates that “learning through music is extremely effective because it is completely brain compatible.” And because learning is essential to how we practice our faith, it’s why our services are mostly sung, and why such a robust tradition of Orthodox sacred music has been developed over the millennia. So, to date, my biggest regret is that I’ve not yet learned music adequately enough.
Should’ve walked out
Nancy Lee Cecil, Baha’i teacher
I became a Baha’i, attracted to the tenet of the oneness of humanity —and the celebration of all races. I chose a profession where I could apply these ideals, taught in diverse schools, and lived for years in a culture where I was the minority race.
Eventually, I taught literacy to future teachers. One semester I had a young Black woman, “Angie,” in my class. In discussions, my students would make comments that, while not intentionally racist, were. I discussed this with them and spent hours with Angie after class, listening empathically as she vented her feelings about living in a world where whites are the dominant culture.
My biggest regret is not walking out when our chairperson then called a meeting to lecture us about how badly Angie was being treated by the faculty, knowing the celebration of minority students was at the forefront of every action I took.
The destructive power of sin
Bryan J. Smith, lead pastor, Summit Christian Church, Sparks
Allowing sin to run rampant in my life has brought about unspeakable destruction. This has looked like being consumed by p*rnography for a decade starting at age 16, pride, judgment, insecurity, anger, etc. It’s a long list.
Often, we overestimate our own righteousness and underestimate the power of sin in our lives. In doing so, we downplay the utter vulgarity of sin and the impact it has on our relationship with God, self and others. Jesus didn’t die to mitigate the power of sin in our lives, but to eradicate sin and the destructive power it has in our lives. When I continue to sin, making allowances or comparing myself to others to placate my conscience, I give room to the very thing that leads to spiritual death (James 1:15).
God is serious about sin and the destruction it brings. I need to be as well.
Regretting my ignorance
Kenneth G. Lucey, philosophy/religion professor emeritus, University of Nevada
In the context of “Faith Forum” my biggest regret is the fact of my religious ignorance.
People are is ignorant of a topic when they lack knowledge about that subject. However, when it comes to the topic of God as traditionally conceived, my ignorance is not total. If called upon to do so, I can deploy several very detailed arguments for God’s existence, such as the Ontological, Cosmologicaland Design Arguments. Yet I can also lay out an excellent argument for God’s nonexistence, viz. the Argument from Natural Evil.
My regret is that I simply do not know what the truth of the matter is. People sharing my ignorance in this matter can join me in calling themselves agnostics. “Agnostic” is the proper descriptor for a person lacking knowledge of whether or not God exists. By contrast, an atheist is one claims to know that God does not exist.
Yet to come
Sherif A. Elfass, president, Northern Nevada Muslim Community
Muslims are encouraged to seek Allah’s guidance when making any decision in life, even the simplest ones. This is usually done through praying a special prayer called Istikharah, which means “guidance for best course of action.” Those who practice Istikharah on regular basis will have no regrets in life.
My fear is that my biggest regret is yet to come. It will be on the day of Judgement when I stand in front of God. This is when I realize that I should have prayed more, read more Quran, fasted more daysand givenmore in charity. Every good deed will count, and I will regret not doing more. The question is then why I do not do more. It is because I am human. Sometimes, I succumb to Satan when he tries to stop me from doing more good deeds. I should resist and that is my struggle.
Not questioning more
Pamela A. Pech, creator of Discovery of Self Programs
I did whatever I was told to do as a child —a good kid,never caused trouble, obeyed the rules. I grew up preparing to be a wife, a mom. Didn’t think much about college or a career or the world. Just making sure I always was "a good person.” Growing up in the South, when told that black people had different bathrooms, sat in the back of the bus, I accepted that was the way it was. Never challenging why. I regret that I didn’t question more about what was going on around me and realize that I could make a difference —realizing that making a difference meant that sometimes you just might be a thorn in somebody’s side. I regret not believing that I was here for a reason and that being a “good person” didn’t always mean playing by all the existing rules.
Next week’s topic: What is a "fulfilled life"?
Faith Forum is a weekly dialogue on religion produced by religious statesman Rajan Zed. Send questions or comments to rajanzed@gmail.com or on Twitter at @rajanzed.
