What Is the 80/20 Rule in Relationships? (2024)

By Candice Hayden

Divorce Content Specialist

Hello Divorce Verified

Last Updated: November 28, 2023

Published: November 28, 2023

What Is the 80/20 Rule in Relationships? (1)

  • 80/20 Pareto Principle
  • Love and the 80/20 rule
  • How the 80/20 rule is helpful

No matter how well-suited you are to another person, they can’t possibly fulfill every need you have in life. You’re individuals, you’re fallible, and not even healthy relationships are perfect.

So, what happens if you go into a relationship not expecting happiness 24/7? Enter the 80/20 rule.

The Pareto Principle

The 80/20 rule is not some new social media couples trend. In fact, the principle has been around for well over a century. As an initial concept, it had nothing to do with romance at all. In fact, the 80/20 rule, or Pareto Principle, is used when speaking about good relationships in many different contexts, from business to criminal activity.

In 1906, Italian economist Vilfredo Federico Pareto noticed that 20% of the pea pods in his garden produced 80% of his harvested peas. He went on to apply his pea principle to the economics of his home country.

What do peas, wealthy Italians, and love have in common? According to some present-day theorists, relationships share the same uneven distribution of cause and effect. So how can you use the 80/20 rule to enhance the success of your relationship?

Love and the 80/20 rule

While the rule is broadly interpreted as getting 80% of your results from 20% of your effort, in relationships, the 80/20 rule can be applied in several ways.

For instance, you can expect to get 80% of your needs met by your partner in your relationship, but the other 20% is up to you.

In another context, you can expect satisfaction from your relationship 80% of the time, while the other 20%, not so much.

In another vein, 20% of your issues will cause 80% of your problems.

How the 80/20 rule is helpful

Humans tend to put a lot of pressure on their relationships and partners for their personal happiness and well-being. But is this fair? According to the 80/20 rule of relationships, it’s not even sustainable.

So, how can you use the 80/20 principle to benefit your relationship satisfaction? As it turns out, it’s effective in several ways.

You view relationships realistically

It may be time to lower your expectations about the overall happiness of your romantic relationship. Using the 80/20 rule, you can stop expecting your relationship to be happy 24/7. Eighty percent of the time, it will be happy and fulfilling. You will get along fine, and things will go according to plan. The other 20% of the time, you can count on some squabbles and adversity.

Your relationship will hit speed bumps. It’s inevitable. But if you can wait it out, employing some heartfelt communication and patience in the meantime, you’ll be ready for when those happy times circle around again.

You take responsibility for your own needs

While the ability to rely on your partner to be there for you as your staunchest supporter and cheerleader is essential, you can only presume that they will anticipate and fulfill all your needs about 80% of the time. The other 20% of the time, it’s on you.

You and your spouse are not one two-headed person. You are each individuals with different needs, and neither of you can be everything to each other all the time.

Partners develop more compassion for one another

We all make mistakes, and the 80/20 rule cautions us to fully expect them. When you can accept your relationship as the imperfect thing it is, it helps you and your partner appreciate and have more love and compassion for each other when mistakes happen. You learn to take extra care of each other during the slumps because you know they’re just part of a bigger and better whole.

Even the best long-term relationships can be messy and imperfect at times. But what happens if your love life is more like 20/80, and you’re questioning whether it’s worth the effort to save it? In a situation like this, it can be helpful to get some couples therapy or other professional guidance before you give up. You’ve invested time and effort into each other, and it may not be too late.

Read: Tips for Boosting Your Mental Health

At Hello Divorce, we pride ourselves on offering services, a la carte divorce plans, and resources to couples who are ready to address relationship problems or call it quits in a healthy, amicable, and affordable way. Set up your free 15-minute call to see how we may be able to help.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Candice Hayden

Divorce Content Specialist

Mediation, Divorce Strategy, Divorce Process, Mental Health

Candice is a former paralegal and has spent the last 16 years in the digital landscape, writing website content, blog posts, and articles for the legal industry. Now, at Hello Divorce, she is helping demystify the complex legal and emotional world of divorce. Away from the keyboard, she’s a devoted wife, mom, and grandmother to two awesome granddaughters who are already forces to be reckoned with. Based in Florida, she’s an avid traveler, painter, ceramic artist, and self-avowed bookish nerd.

What Is the 80/20 Rule in Relationships? (2024)

FAQs

What Is the 80/20 Rule in Relationships? ›

The 80/20 relationship theory states that you can only get about 80% of your wants and needs from a healthy relationship, while the remaining 20% you need to provide for yourself. Sounds like the perfect excuse to treat yourself to a spa day. This idea of an 80/20 time split is nothing new.

What is the 80/20 rule in cheating? ›

80% of your needs are being met by your partner, and you're figuring out the other 20% on your own. When the 80/20 rule is applied to infidelity, the theory is that when someone cheats, they're attracted to the 20% in someone else that they were missing from their partner.

What are 80/20 rule examples? ›

The 80/20 rule is not a formal mathematical equation, but more a generalized phenomenon that can be observed in economics, business, time management, and even sports. General examples of the Pareto principle: 20% of a plant contains 80% of the fruit. 80% of a company's profits come from 20% of customers.

What is the 80-20 rule in why did I get married? ›

This rule states that most men get 80% of what they need from a marriage yet they tend to go after the 20% that someone outside can provide for them because it appears to be more to them when it really isn't.

What is the 80-20 rule in partnership? ›

It declares that 80% of consequences come from 20% of the causes, which offers the notion that there is an imbalance in the relationship between inputs and outputs. Example: In the case of partnerships, 80% or more of revenue is often driven by 20% of partners.

What is the 80-20 rule for couples? ›

The 80/20 relationship theory states that you can only get about 80% of your wants and needs from a healthy relationship, while the remaining 20% you need to provide for yourself. Sounds like the perfect excuse to treat yourself to a spa day. This idea of an 80/20 time split is nothing new.

What is the 80-20 rule for men? ›

The 80/20 rule has virtually been accepted as the norm in the world of dating. The idea is the top 80 percent of women compete over the top 20 percent of men, while the remaining 20 percent are left to fight it out over the other 80 percent of men.

What does 80-20 rule look like? ›

The 80/20 rule is a guide for your everyday diet—eat nutritious foods 80 percent of the time and have a serving of your favorite treat with the other 20 percent. For the “80 percent” part of the plan, focus on drinking lots of water and eating nutritious foods that include: Whole grains. Fruits and vegetables.

What is the 80-20 mindset? ›

The 80-20 rule, also known as the Pareto Principle, is a familiar saying that asserts that 80% of outcomes (or outputs) result from 20% of all causes (or inputs) for any given event. In business, a goal of the 80-20 rule is to identify inputs that are potentially the most productive and make them the priority.

What is the 80-20 rule for dummies? ›

Once you have identified the 20% of tasks responsible for 80% of effects, prioritise them. These should be the areas that receive the most attention, resources, and effort. Focus on optimising the 20% of causes to increase their impact.

What is the 1 year rule in a relationship? ›

A new relationship can be exciting and fun, and once you hit the one-year mark, most people consider it a long-term relationship. After one year, relationship experts agree that you should trust your partner. While nothing significant takes place after one year, it is a good sign that you are in a happy relationship.

What is the Pareto rule in a relationship? ›

While the rule is broadly interpreted as getting 80% of your results from 20% of your effort, in relationships, the 80/20 rule can be applied in several ways. For instance, you can expect to get 80% of your needs met by your partner in your relationship, but the other 20% is up to you.

What is the golden rule of marriage? ›

Follow the four golden rules – don't lie, keep your promises, argue productively and always play nice – and your relationship will never go anywhere but forward.

What are real examples of the 80/20 rule? ›

20% of customers account for 80% of the profits of many businesses. 20% of criminals account for 80% of criminal losses. 20% of motorists cause 80% of the accidents. 20% of those who marry represent 80% of the divorces (serial marriage failures)

What is the 80/20 trap? ›

The 80–20 Trap: How Drug and Alcohol Industries Prey on Their Heaviest Users. It is a well-known rule of thumb in business: 80% of your sales come from 20% of your clients.

What is the 80-20 rule in friendships? ›

80/20 Principle: A New Approach to Relationships

For relationships, this rule means that 80% of our happiness comes from just 20% of our relationships. I maintained a few close relationships, being an introvert.

What is rule number one of cheating? ›

The first rule of cheating is simple: don't get caught. No one wants to play a game with a cheater. No one trusts a cheater.

What is the 80 20 split in dating? ›

Love and the 80/20 rule

For instance, you can expect to get 80% of your needs met by your partner in your relationship, but the other 20% is up to you. In another context, you can expect satisfaction from your relationship 80% of the time, while the other 20%, not so much.

What is the biggest predictor of cheating? ›

A new study used a machine-learning algorithm to determine what does (and doesn't) predict infidelity. Demographic and personality factors were inconsistent predictors; relationship factors were much stronger. Low sexual and relationship satisfaction, high sexual desire, and lack of love are the most robust predictors.

What is legally considered cheating? ›

Let's start with adultery. The legal definition varies from state to state, but most often refers to the act of engaging in physical sexual activity with someone other than your spouse while being married.

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