While pursuing goals often comes with challenges, people who self-sabotage engage in behaviors and hold beliefs that get in their own way. Despite knowing which actions might help them achieve their goals, they are drawn to do the opposite—unconsciously or consciously participating in habits that make them less likely to succeed.
Self-sabotage can be situational (e.g., a student is great at sports but self-sabotages academically), or part of a larger pattern of behavior. People who find themselves regularly self-sabotaging create self-imposed obstacles, which often affect their quality of life and self-esteem.
Ironically, self-sabotage is considered to be a self-protective behavior and is often motivated by fear of failure. Low self-esteem, lack of perceived control, and childhood trauma can all lead to self-sabotaging behaviors. Fortunately, there are ways to take back control over self-sabotaging behaviors to increase your chances of meeting your goals and finding happiness.
Self-sabotage is a negative coping mechanism that can prevent you from meeting your goals, engaging in self-improvement, or participating in healthy risk-taking. If you're prone to self-sabotage, you might engage in behaviors that hinder and interfere with your ability to achieve goals, even if you're internally hoping for a positive outcome.
Experts believe that people self-sabotage as a way to protect themselves. By creating a situation where “success” is less likely, a person engaging in self-sabotage can protect their self-worth in the face of potential failure. In other words, people who self-sabotage create external challenges to avoid dealing with their internal ones. For example:
- A student who intentionally neglects to study for a test can blame a potential bad grade on the lack of studying, instead of their intelligence
- Someone who drinks too much alcohol the night before a job interview can use their hangover to explain a negative outcome, instead of their qualifications
- An insecure artist who always finds excuses not to paint never has to grapple with potential negative feedback or criticism
People who self-sabotage may still feel distressed or worried over a negative outcome or failure but may find it less painful than actually pursuing a goal and dealing with the challenges of the goal that come along the way. There are two primary types of self-sabotaging behaviors:
- Behavioral self-sabotage: This type of self-sabotage involves behaviors that actively create a disadvantage for yourself. Procrastination, intentionally neglecting your needs, or refusing to prepare for something important can all be examples of behavioral self-sabotage.
- Self-reported self-sabotage: This type of self-sabotage involves speaking about an event in a way that sets yourself up for a negative outcome. This can look like being overly self-critical or over-reporting challenges.
Causes of Self-Sabotage
While people who self-sabotage often do so to protect their own self-worth in the face of a potential failure, there are many factors that motivate this self-sabotaging behavior.
Low Self-Esteem
If you struggle with low self-esteem, pursuing a goal may seem too risky. Instead, engaging in self-sabotaging behavior allows you to stay in your comfort zone. In some cases, low self-esteem may also cause you to not believe that you deserve success or happiness. Self-doubt and self-criticism may prevent you from taking action to pursue your goals.
Performance-Oriented Personality
Research has found people who are performance-oriented are more likely to engage in self-sabotage. While people who are task-oriented are motivated by the task itself (e.g., writing because you enjoy the process), people who are performance-oriented are more occupied by the outcome of a task (i.e. writing a best-selling book).
Other qualities of a performance-oriented person include:
- Competitiveness
- Concern with how others view them
- Tendency to avoid poor performance
Lack of Perceived Control
Lack of perceived control might also lead you to self-sabotage. If you feel like you have very little control over the outcome of a situation, you might resort to self-sabotage to reduce feelings of uncertainty. This lack of control often affects people who face discrimination, work in toxic environments, or live in abusive situations.
Perfectionism
Perfectionism is another trait associated with self-sabotage. If you are a perfectionist (or, a person who refuses to accept anything less than perfect), you may often fear making mistakes or believe that if you can't do something perfectly, you shouldn't do it at all. This all-or-nothing thinking can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors like procrastination.
Childhood Trauma
Traumatic experiences in childhood can also lead to self-sabotaging behaviors. Childhood trauma is tied to mental health disorders where self-destructive behavior is common, including borderline personality disorder and dissociative disorders.
Additionally, childhood trauma can affect self-esteem and lead to the development of more harmful self-destructive behaviors like self-harm, suicidal thinking, or substance use.
Self-sabotage can show up differently for everyone. Some signs of self-sabotage are more straightforward, while others can be more complicated. Here are some ways you might be self-sabotaging your life, goals, and happiness:
- Procrastinating, or waiting until the last minute to work on tasks
- Avoiding practicing something you’re hoping to improve at
- Self-medicating by using drugs and alcohol
- Oversleeping or under-sleeping
- Prioritizing other people’s needs over your own
- Putting too much on your plate, so you “don’t have time” to do what you actually want to do
- Using self-defeating language (e.g., putting yourself down, negative self-talk)
- Making excuses (e.g., blaming others for not completing your goals)
- Refusing to ask for help
- People-pleasing and not setting proper boundaries
- Engaging in self-destructive behavior (e.g., overspending, picking fights with loved ones, neglecting your basic needs)
- Having low self-esteem, or not believing you deserve to reach your goal
- Setting unreasonable goals for yourself
- Seeking approval from other people, instead of believing in yourself
- Resisting change by staying in your comfort zone, rather than trying new things
- Comparing yourself to other people
- Not taking breaks or practicing self-care, which can lead to exhaustion or burnout
How to Stop Self-Sabotaging
While it can be difficult to break a pattern of self-sabotaging behaviors, understanding your motivations, aligning with your goals, and seeking professional help can help you break out of this vicious cycle. The following are some suggestions to get you started:
- Examine the underlying causes:Whether it's low self-esteem stemming from early childhood experiences, fear of being judged by others, or perfectionism that prevents you from starting tasks, understanding why you feel drawn to self-sabotage is an important first step.
- Align your goals with your values:Set clear goals that line up with your values. Instead of becoming fixated on the outcome, focus instead on how your goals align with the life you want to live.
- Challenge your beliefs about failure and success: Self-sabotage can stem from both a fear of failure and the belief that you don't deserve success. When it comes to trying new or challenging things, learn to sit with uncertainty instead of trying to control the outcome.
- Overcome procrastination: Setting smaller goals, using timers, and rewarding yourself are all small ways to start overcoming procrastination.
- Practice self-compassion:Being too critical of yourself can hinder your ability to try new things and reach goals. Consider trying positive self-talk to improve your belief in yourself.
- Seek professional mental health support: Sometimes self-sabotaging can be a sign of an underlying mental health condition. Working with a mental health professional in therapy can help you understand the underlying causes, and give you tools to support more positive thinking and behavior.
Chronic or more destructive self-sabotage can be a sign of an underlying mental health condition. Sometimes, your loved ones and support system may be enough to help you undo self-sabotaging behaviors. But, if you need a little more help correcting self-sabotaging habits, it's OK to reach out to a mental health provider. Contact a professional if you're:
- Engaging in self-injurious or self-harming behavior (e.g., cutting, burning)
- Putting yourself in dangerous situations
- Participating in substance use
- Regularly sabotaging relationships (e.g., picking fights, pushing people away)
- Feeling stuck in an abusive relationship
- Not meeting your basic needs (e.g., trouble maintaining housing, food, or a job)
A Quick Review
Self-sabotage, or the act of interfering with your own goals, is one way people cope with fears of failure, low self-esteem, and perceived lack of control. Examples of self-sabotage include procrastinating, neglecting to prepare for an important event, refusing to ask for help, and setting unreasonable goals.
Everyone needs support for self-sabotaging behavior from time to time. But, it might be important to contact a mental health provider if self-sabotaging leads you to dangerous situations, abusive relationships, or substance use. Understanding why you self-sabotage, practicing self-compassion, and seeking professional help are some ways that can help you break out of a self-sabotaging cycle.
