Trauma and Self-Sabotage: A Terrible Friendship (2024)

Our past shapes our future, and not always in a good way. While we all go through hardships in our life, it’s not easy to let go of those negative thoughts and emotions from those experiences as time goes on. Trauma can have a lasting impact on your mental health, which can lead to subconscious behavior that can interfere with your own joy.

We all want to keep ourselves from getting hurt, which is why we have a tendency to self-sabotage. Trauma and self-sabotage tend to go hand in hand. But how do they affect one another? And how can you break them up? That’s what we’re here to find out.

We’ll talk about the basics of trauma and self-sabotage, how they affect your mental health, and the steps you can take to break their connection.

The basics of trauma

Before talking about how they impact one another, let’s explore the meanings of trauma and self-sabotage on their own. We’ll start off with what it means to have trauma.

Trauma refers to any experience that caused you emotional, mental or physical distress. It’s often an experience that you had or witnessed firsthand. There’s also secondary trauma, which means that you were indirectly exposed to the experience, such as someone telling you about it.

Trauma isn’t the same for everyone, as an experience isn’t always perceived in the same way. There are many different situations that can be perceived as traumatic, including:

  • Physical abuse
  • Sexual abuse or assault
  • Domestic violence
  • Car accidents
  • Injuries
  • Natural disasters

Some traumatic experiences may cause you to develop PTSD, or post-traumatic stress disorder. It affects approximately 5% of teenagers, with about 1.5% having severe impairments from the disorder. The most common PTSD symptoms include experiencing flashbacks, reckless behavior and avoidance of potential triggers.

The basics of self-sabotage

Sabotage refers to causing deliberate damage to something so that it can’t work properly. Self-sabotage means causing damage that will interfere with your own success and happiness. You’re basically standing in your own way to protect yourself from potentially negative outcomes.

While regular sabotage is usually done with a purpose, you might not even notice when you’re exhibiting self-sabotage behavior.

Self-sabotage behavior can include:

  • Starting unnecessary conflict or fights with your loved ones
  • Refusing to ask for help from others
  • Social withdrawal or isolation
  • Making excuses or shifting blame

The terrible connection between trauma and self-sabotage

Self-sabotage is essentially a defense mechanism that we develop in response to many factors, including low self-esteem, a fear of change and conflicting thoughts. But one of the main reasons that people develop self-sabotaging behaviors is trauma.

Trauma is often a temporary experience that has long-term consequences because you’re in constant fear of it recurring. The trauma also may have caused you to develop anxiety or depression symptoms that interfere with your decision-making. That’s why people, either consciously or subconsciously, self-sabotage so that they are never put in a vulnerable position for that same trauma to occur.

Many types of trauma, such as abuse and assault, can cause you to develop trust issues with other people or situations. You put a wall up in front of yourself, both mentally and emotionally, so that nothing can get close enough to have the chance to hurt you. But if you’re constantly getting in your own way, you may never reach your fullest potential or develop real connections with others.

The good news is that Lightfully is here to help.

Lightfully Behavioral Health can help you break the connection between self-sabotage and trauma

If you recognize that you’re self-sabotaging, then you’ve already taken a big step in your mental health journey. If your trauma has caused you to develop self-sabotaging behaviors and thoughts, it’s time to talk to a mental health provider.

One of the best ways to break the connection between your self-sabotage behaviors and your trauma is to talk it out. With psychotherapy, or talk therapy, a licensed clinical therapist can help you explore the roots of your trauma and self-sabotage from every angle. They can also help you develop effective decision-making skills and coping mechanisms that help you become the happiest and healthiest person you can be.

If you’re ready to break up that terrible friendship between your trauma and self-sabotage, or you’re struggling with your PTSD symptoms, we have multiple levels of care that can help, including Residential Treatment, Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP), and Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP), also called our Day Treatment Program.

Change is possible. When you’re ready to take the first step, reach out to our Admissions Concierge Team. We’ll take the next steps together, toward the fullest, brightest version of you.

Trauma and Self-Sabotage: A Terrible Friendship (2024)

FAQs

Is self-sabotaging a trauma response? ›

But one of the main reasons that people develop self-sabotaging behaviors is trauma. Trauma is often a temporary experience that has long-term consequences because you're in constant fear of it recurring.

What is the root cause of self-sabotage? ›

Self-esteem, childhood trauma, and a need to maintain control can all cause a person to engage in self-sabotaging behaviors. Understanding one's own thought patterns, setting small goals, and seeking support can help an individual overcome the behaviors associated with self-sabotage.

Why do traumatized people struggle with friendship? ›

The symptoms of PTSD can cause problems with trust, closeness, communication, and problem solving. These problems may affect the way the survivor acts with others. In turn, the way a loved one responds to him or her affects the trauma survivor. A circular pattern can develop that may sometimes harm relationships.

Why am I self-sabotaging my friendship? ›

"When we ourselves are feeling stressed, not taking care of ourselves physically, not feeling in a good place with either our jobs, how we're eating or romantic relationships, and we're not feeling good enough about ourselves, we're more likely to lash out and not treat our friends so well," says Dr.

What personality disorder is self-sabotaging? ›

One of the primary symptoms of borderline personality disorder is impulsivity, which often results in self-sabotaging behaviors due to impulsive decisions and actions that interfere with long-term goals that the individual may have, such as impulsively quitting a job or ending a relationship.

What is the psychological profile of someone who self sabotages? ›

People with a negative self-image and low self-esteem are especially vulnerable to self-sabotaging. They behave in ways that confirm negative beliefs about themselves. So, if they are close to succeeding, they become uncomfortable. They've been told all their lives that they'll fail.

What is the spiritual root of self-sabotage? ›

At a spiritual level, self-sabotage comes from this place of fear. It is our personality forgetting that we are eternal beings, that we are the universe experiencing itself.

What is self-sabotaging a symptom of? ›

People with low self-esteem often use self-sabotage as a means to make their reality align with their inner beliefs. It's a defense mechanism – if they mess up intentionally, they feel they're in control of the failure, or that it's just an expected flaw of their character. Avoidance of failure: Nobody likes to fail.

Is self-sabotage a form of depression? ›

There are many facets to depression. One thing that many people with depression experience is self-sabotage. People with mental health struggles may find it hard to avoid sabotaging their daily lives. This happens when people undermine themselves.

Can you have PTSD from a bad friendship? ›

Abusive friendships can cause depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder. And studies show they can be physically damaging, too. A 2014 study found that negative relationships, especially those filled with criticism and arguing, can increase a woman's risk of developing high blood pressure.

What does friendship trauma look like? ›

The feelings that emerge after the end of a close bond can trigger strong emotions like anger, detachment and distrust in other relationships. Human connections can be complex, and the end of an alliance that once used to be vibrant can be traumatic.

How to heal from friendship trauma? ›

Tips for How to Get Over A Friendship Breakup
  1. Acknowledge your pain. First, know that your grief is normal. ...
  2. Practice self-care. ...
  3. Avoid rumination. ...
  4. Exercise. ...
  5. Talk to someone. ...
  6. Read about others in your situation. ...
  7. Try a new friend group. ...
  8. Examine what went wrong in the friendship.
Mar 4, 2024

What do you say to a friend who is self-sabotaging? ›

The best method for helping someone who is self-sabotaging is to point out that no matter what you say, they always find excuses, or find things wrong. But if they truly want to address these destructive behaviors you'll be there for them by telling them the truth and staying genuine to who you really are.

Do self sabotagers come back? ›

To end self-sabotage, you first need to take a good, hard look at yourself and your behavior patterns. Unless you are willing to be honest with yourself and face all the ways you may have abused or hurt other people because of your fear of intimacy, you are doomed to repeat this behavior.

How do you deal with a self destructive friend? ›

It never helps to make someone feel like their self harming behavior is crazy or stupid. What does help: Acknowledge the pain that's causing this behavior. Let the person know their pain is valid, and that they deserve to be able to let it out (either to you or a trained professional).

Is being manipulative a trauma response? ›

It is often the result of trauma or abuse and can lead to more trauma and abuse for both the manipulator and the victim. It's often a by-product of mental health and behavioral disorders. If you want to break free of the things that make you emotionally manipulative, reach out to Sequoia Behavioral Health today.

Is being hard on yourself a trauma response? ›

Always being hard on yourself can also be the result of childhood trauma or adverse childhood experiences (ACEs).

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